The tale of the lone wanderer.

This is a story.
A tale of a wanderer who has to walk the journey alone.
The wanderer screamed for the world to understand him.
But he knows that it is a journey for him alone.
No one can understand what he did, has to do,will do.
The wanderer cannot understand why he must embark on the journey.
The wanderer screams for someone to understand him.
-General Sam

updatessssss

Little update.
Since im too fucked up to write anything. 

I realized i missed writing, the old fashion way, i miss the way the pen nib scraps on the rough paper surface, i miss watching the ink flow on the paper like a magical blue river. 

I last time i took up a pen was the A levels. And ytd when i decided to write some stuff, a nomination to be specific, i realized i could not control my hand properly and the words came out all ugly and scribbled and uncontrolled. How saddening.

Well, i am at home now and dying. My mouth is just PAINFUL.
When i say i have mouth ulcers, as a side effect of the chemo. It is not the usual ulcers, that dont really disturb you.
These are the QUEEN BITCHES of ulcers. Because the chemo kills fast growing cells, and that unfortunately includes hair, and your stomach lining and mouth lining. The mouth ulcers are so painful that i can cry when i try to swallow my own saliva or talk. SIGH.

My chemo was eventful, i had a reaction to one of the chemo drugs given. Rashes appeared everywhere, and i could not breathe. OMG this was even more scary than the pneumonia, because i really could not breathe, there were 4 nurses and 2 doctors, and my parents at 12 midnight when i was having the reaction. The nurses urging me not to be scared. I was super SUPER sedated, on all types of anti-histamines to reduce the reaction, and keep my heart beating at all cost. Of course i was on the bloody oxygen again. It was so scary because i could hear my heart beating loudly and the worst part was that with each beat, i felt as if someone was squeezing the hell out of my heart. So i was there gasping for breathe, not able to sit up right, thinking it was going to be the end.

BUT NOT.

I am still here.
Boy my poor heart, had to go through so much :(

Any way, did i tell you that there was this once when i had pneumonia, the doc had to take a blood sample called ABG Arterial Blood Gas index from my artery. First the doc tried my wrist, but later she decided to get it from my GROIN.

YEA
You heard me, she stuck this freaking long needle INTO MY GROIN and sucked out this bright red blood from the artery that runs through my groin and leg. WOW I dont know describe the feeling. BUT, trying sticking a needle 5cm from your balls, and wriggle it around.

Ok. Thats all from me now.

-General Sam

A

When you have a litre of poison coursing through your veins.
When your eyes feel so heavy they want to close forever.
When you head feels like its on fire.
When you feel like puking your guts out.

I can do only 2 things.
I lie down, and laugh out, and shout “ FUCK!!” and laugh my ass off.

Because nothing can stop me.
Nothing.
I fear nothing.
NOTHING.

URGH.
Have you tried morphine before. Makes you feel good. Oh yea… YEA
I end off with a quote from General Shepard: History is written by the victor.
-General Sam

Voyeur

Food and gaming are my only escapes.
An escape to where things are ok.

I spend hours gaming.
In game, there is no leukeamia, there is only General Sam and him owning people. No hospital, no worries.
Yesterday while i was playing Modern Warfare 2 online, some one recognized me. The player called “Hong Gan” actually called me by my real name. I was quite shocked, actually it was sam chong playing at his friend’s house. LOL. Luckily he didnt say much, just asked me how i was, cause if he spoiled my escape i would be pretty pissed.

One thing else, i get pissed when people mention cancer. I have leukeamia, use the proper term. Or am i in denial?

Dont know if i am escaping to much.
But there is nothing much else i can do ? or isit nothing else i want to do ?

I mean look just at that 4 days after its launch, i have played a total of 39 hours, leveled up to 61 out of 70, while people are still at level 19 or something.
Is it an addiction? or a need?

One thing i know, if i had no comp, i would probably just die.
Fking chemo.
-General Sam

WTF

I find that there are many WTF moments in my 19 years here.. or is it 20?
Like when i blew my nose and blood splattered out, i just had to say WTF.
Or when i was playing the controversial Modern Warfare 2, and online, i met a bunch of high level hackers, i just had to say WTF.
Or when i realized that there is SO much more chemo to go, i just had to say it… WTF.
Or when the doctor said that wed i have to be admitted for my next chemo.. WTF
When i am alone i say it out loud.. WA DA FARK.
When i am with people, like my doctor, there is this voice in my head that goes WHAT…….. THE……… FUCK. But the words that come  out of my mouth are “Yep, ok, sure” But inside, i am WTF.

Cant take it anymore.
Dont want any more chemo.
I want it to stop.
Maybe i want quality of life over quantity.
Shit man i rather die, or would i?
Too much chemo, maybe i will ask the doctor, what would happen if i stopped my chemo now?
Cant take it no more man.

Just want to be normal.
Please make this nightmare end.
Some times, i forget i am a soldier, until i look at my 11b, with the picture of me there, with hair, nice nice hair. Or until i see a BMT bastard at SGH at the H Clinic, probably seeing the ortho doctor about some arm or leg injury, just like me, just like me a few months ago.
At the H clinic, the TV is stilling playing the same program as it was in April, the same nurses work there as they did in april.
I sit there just like in april, except that im dying on the inside.

Well. on another note, Happy Belated Birthday Ronald, that makes u 19 right? or 20? Ah man, its another year. I remember 2 years ago we were watching beowulf, and 1 year ago we were doing A levels. MAN, time does fly doesnt it bro? See you soon eh? Have a nice one.
-General Sam

The brink

Hey.
So here i am. Killed it. Killed pneumonia. Did not set foot into the ICU. Thought it was the most freaking scary time of my life. I mean, if you breathed and you could feel and hear the water/ secretions gurgling in your lungs, you would be pretty damn scared too. I was on oxygen 24/7 in hospital.

Went for a scope. Meaning they inserted a camera into my lungs to see exactly what was happening and to retrieve some of the water so they would analyze it to see what precise infection it was so they could decide on the proper antibiotics. But i cant really tell you how it felt, because they gave me some powerful anesthesia, so i was out cold during the entire thing, i only remember the doctor asking me to bite down on to something and then i am back in my room.

I thank all the doctors, nurses and my family for helping pull me back from the brink of death. I still have a persistent cough which the doctor said would last some time because the area of infection in my lung was SIGNIFICANT.

Oh i looked at my chemo schedule, and i am only like 1/20 done. WTF. I remember telling zhuang that by the time he earned his diamonds i would be cured. LOL. Depressing. Dont know if i can go through all that TOURTURE. FUCK.

On another note. The launch of Call Of Duty Modern Warfare 2 is a huge success, and according to the news, would overtake the latest blockbusters in revenue. Well, expected since fucking Infinity Ward decided to fuck us PC gamers in the ass by jacking up the price and removing dedicated servers. Way to go IW! We get this after supporting you for so long. But the game itself would show in a new era in which games would be seen as a form of main stream entertainment along side box office films.
Well IW, at first we were all shouting Treyarch suck balls, but now i have to say Infinity Ward sucks donkey *****. Pls, put in the damn dedicated servers and this game would be the best ever, but until then the online petition would keep growing in your face.
-General Sam

General Sam offers his apologies for not updating. But he was rushed back to hospital when he developed a severe sore throat and multiple mouth sores. It was so bad that he could not eat and it was so painful that he was put on morphine just so he could swallow his own saliva.

Later an x-Ray showed that the general had developed a bad case of pneumonia. The bacteria infection had infected almost a third of th general's right lung and part of his left. Everytime he breathes he can feel the water gurgling in his lungs, ready to take over. Pneunomia is life threatening and fatal, the general is current fighting for his life, is on the danger ill list and has every single antibiotic known to man injected into him.

General Sam KNOWS he will update everyone soonest when he is discharged when he kills pneumonia.
-General Sam